Guess who I saw…..
Last night I was out in the Ford Focus Sport heading east along Glen Huntly Rd looking for an evening sugar hit when the railway crossing lights began flashing and the boom gates descended in front of me.
As I sat waiting patiently for the Long Island steel train to pass I looked into my rear view mirror and spotted Santa in his bright red suit. He was cursing away at the incessant ding dinging and the outrageous length of time it was taking for the trains fifty-five empty steel coil wagons to pass.
He was in the Blue Uber and his portly shape was silhouetted against the bright orange glow of the setting sun.
He looked hot, flustered and bothered.
Santa had not been spotted for ages; not since the 2016 Boxing Day Test match at the MCG where I ran into both Santa and his mate Kirk Ham*.
Now, I know a lot of what I say is often hearsay, but this I know, is in fact a fact, as it was I who spotted the two of them swilling lagers down by the fence in the member’s bay.
The two friends appeared to be deeply engaged in conversation so I didn’t bother interrupting them to say hello.
It seems that Kirk may have led Santa astray that day, not just for the swilling of lagers in the member’s dry zone, but for suggesting he jump on board the Tiger Train for the 2017 footy season. (Santa was previously footy agnostic)
A short time after this, I had heard from my mate Bull Lee* who informed me that Santa had indeed taken up Kirk’s invitation, and that he was relishing the Tiger Train journey.
Santa and Kirk celebrated long and hard after each Tiger victory last year; celebrations that reached a peak after the granny. They partied on from the ‘G’ at both the Cricketers Arms and the Corner Hotel singing the Tiger theme song over and over again with so many new found friends.
Someone else I know- well, I don’t really know them as such- but with the twitter handle @tigersloveyaforever, tweeted a day after the granny that he had seen a jubilant Santa swaggering his way into a barber shop on Swan Street… it was after this that he seemed to have disappeared. A replacement Santa had to be found for Xmas 2017 through seekdotcom… apparently.
Naturally, this story trended on twitter for days under the hashtag whereonearthissanta?.
As the Tigers winning streak continued to grow into this year, so too did Santa’s passion for his team. He was eventually spotted at various home and away games around Melbourne.
I heard that Santa was dead sure that back to back celebrations were coming his way. He just couldn’t wait.
Well, that was until the towering Texan ran amok at the ‘G’ in the elimination final… Cox… Coxy? I think that was his name, yep, Coxy, number 46 in the black and white.
Coxy was the one who had never heard of Aussie Rules Footy until about five minutes ago…. yet, he was the one responsible for the Pies pummelling the Tigers that dark September night; and responsible too, for hounding Santa out of the ground and back to his Magical Christmas Kingdom as delirious Pie fans chanted U-S-A.
Reality had hit with a grovelling thud. Kirk Ham’s Tiger Train had crashed.
Poor Santa’s high hopes had unravelled drastically; however his good senses were now finally restored.
Besieged with remorse and struggling to fit his once shapely body back into the seams of the red suit, Santa realised the gift supply at the Magical Christmas Kingdom was now utterly depleted.
And in the back of his mind, a nagging thought made him question the wisdom of hanging out with his mate Kirk in the future.
With a meagre fifteen days now until Christmas it’s no wonder then, that Santa’s cursing could be heard emanating from the Blue Uber on Glen Huntly Road last night.
If I spot him again, I promise I will let you know.
*Kirk Ham is a mate of Santa’s. They met down at The Wick after an Amo’s Xmas Party back in the early 90’s.
* Bull Lee is a mate of Kirk’s; they are footy mates from way back and love rehashing their footy stories from the glory days over a pot or two down at the local.
P.S. The Long Island steel train did eventually pass and the boom gates finally lifted. Santa was last seen heading towards the Goodlife Health Club up on Dandenong Rd.